Feature Articles from
Past Issues:
The
Paradox of Love:
How
to Stay Separated and
Still Be
Connected
The
Paradox of Love:
How
to Stay Separate and
Still be
Connected
One
of the common myths
about love is that it
brings two people
together who are meant
to complete one another
other and become one --
soulmates who desire to
meld with each other as
perfect partners.
At the beginning of a
relationship, many
couples experience the
closeness of this
connection, often
unaware of the
importance of
maintaining their
individuality and
separateness. Partners
who fiercely value their
independence, on the
other hand, operate on a
a philosophy of "you do
your thing and I'll do
mine". In other words,
they may feel separate
from each other, but not
highly connected.
However, it is the
balance of these two
forces -- that is, the
movement towards unity,
connection and
attachment on the one
hand and the movement
towards autonomy,
self-direction and the
expression of one's
individuality on the
other -- that truly
shapes relationships.
Achieving and deepening
this balance is the
driving force behind a
lifelong process of
developing our capacity
to love.
As psychoanalyst Erich
Fromm once wrote in
The Art of
Loving, "mature love
is union under the
condition of preserving
one's integrity, one's
individuality... love
makes [us]
overcome the sense of
isolation and
separateness, yet it
permits [us] to
be [ourselves],
to retain [our]
integrity. In love, the
paradox occurs that two
beings become one and
yet remain two."
As we attempt to achieve
this balance, we may
find ourselves at
various points along the
"relationship
continuum". For example,
we may find ourselves
emotionally fused with
our partners -- in a
kind of symbiotic union,
like Siamese twins
joined at the hip --
where every reaction
produces a counter
reaction. In other
words, there may appear
to be a lot of
connection, but there is
very little room for
individual emotional
separateness. Or we may
find ourselves
"neurotically
independent", expressing
our own individuality,
but feeling like two
ships passing in the
night, each going our
own separate ways, and
yet not connecting with
each other.
How can we achieve a
balance between these
two forces?
Here's
What You Can Do to
Maintain this
Balance
You can begin by
becoming more aware of
your capacity for
self-expression,
self-validation and
self-soothing. Try the
following:
Take
more risks to speak
openly.
- know
what you believe in;
know what you feel,
what is important to
you e.g. honesty,
equality,
non-judgmentalism
- focus
on your own thoughts
and feelings rather
than on what your
partner may think or
feel about what you
are saying
- take
a leap forward; do
something that goes
beyond your
perception of what
you can handle
- make
the effort, even if
you feel
uncomfortable; the
more you can tolerate
temporary discomfort,
the quicker you will
move forward
- brace
yourself for the
unknown –
because you may get a
reaction that you may
find hard to
handle
Hold
on to your sense of
self.
- believe
in yourself, staying
clear about who you
are; don't sell
yourself short even
when challenged by a
loved one who may not
agree with you
- trust
your own instincts
and intuition
- learn
to self-validate --
you don’t need
the approval of your
partner; you’re
okay no matter
what
- stay
the course –
regulate your anxiety
and try not to take
on your
partner’s
anxiety.
Learn
to calm yourself so that
you don’t
react.
- practice
taking a deep breath
– stop talking
to focus on your
breathing; breathing
techniques have long
been known to reduce
stress
- if
you can't regulate
your emotions,
control your
behaviour; for
example, you may have
to walk out of the
room temporarily (but
not angrily)
- try
to take your
partner's words less
personally –
i.e. literally; try
to understand what
the meaning of the
words are for your
partner.
- become
conscious of your
negative mental tapes
e.g. "I can't believe
this..."... "I can't
do this
anymore".
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