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Feature Articles from Past Issues:

Divorce:
Is That Your Final Answer?

Divorce: Is That Your Final Answer?

Why does one out of every two marriages end up in separation or divorce? Is it that half of us are simply "unlucky" at love? Are we myopic when it comes to choosing the right partner? Are we still looking for that perfect soul mate? Has our consumer-mentality to "throw away what's not working" pervaded even our most intimate relationships?

Perhaps we haven't paid enough attention to our own personal development. And we may not have learned how to cope when things are not going well.

More than that, we may not have realized that gridlock and conflict are a normal and inevitable part of what happens in relationships. In fact, the cycle of harmony, discord and desire for reconnection pushes us to grow -- especially if we are prepared to see it as a personal challenge to change, rather than an expression of marital breakdown.

How you choose to respond to this natural process will determine the success or failure of a long-term commitment.

How do you know when you have done everything you could have, and when it is time to get out of a relationship? When is enough, enough?

Every partner must decide for themselves what they need to do to maintain their own integrity in a relationship. And no therapist can tell you when it is time to leave. (This, of course, excludes when there is physical or psychological abuse.)

But, when things aren't going well, we tend to redouble our efforts (often repeating the same patterns), rather than focusing on how to make a dramatic shift in the quality of what's happening. We tend to avoid looking at and confronting the things that we need to change in ourselves. Couples may contemplate divorce when they feel incapable of changing a "hopeless" situation i.e. incapable of changing their partners!! In fact, the more they each focus on developing personally, the greater the influence they will have on their partners' self-development. And that's how relationships move forward.

David Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage, has a chapter entitled: "Nobody is Ready for Marriage -- Marriage Makes you Ready for Marriage". The idea in this chapter is that marriage is a "people-growing machine", as Schnarch puts it. When confronted with the stark reality that you are two different people, you can look at it as a gift and a challenge to grow personally, or you can try to turn you partner into a reflection of yourself!

People jump into divorce too quickly. They give up hope that things can be different. If the values you that hold dear are shared by your partner, but you are still in a rut , and can't seem to get along -- you are not speaking or you are constantly fighting -- it might not mean that things have come to an end.

Seek counselling to help you clarify where you are stuck in your relationship. You may be surprised to find that there is nothing "wrong" with you or your partner, but that making a shift in how you view yourself vis-à-vis your partner can make a world of difference.

If after serious self-discovery, self-confrontation and perhaps professional help with the right therapist, you cannot repair a relationship, then you can begin to contemplate how to move on -- while creating an amicable, respectful and thoughtful parting of the ways.

But remember, if you are thinking of splitting, the person that you have become in your current relationship is the person that you will be taking with you to the next one.

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