Feature Articles from
Past Issues:
Divorce:
Is
That Your Final
Answer?
Divorce:
Is
That Your Final
Answer?
Why
does one out of every
two marriages end up in
separation or divorce?
Is it that half of us
are simply "unlucky" at
love? Are we myopic when
it comes to choosing the
right partner? Are we
still looking for that
perfect soul mate? Has
our consumer-mentality
to "throw away what's
not working" pervaded
even our most intimate
relationships?
Perhaps we haven't paid
enough attention to our
own personal
development. And we may
not have learned how to
cope when things are not
going well.
More than that, we may
not have realized that
gridlock and conflict
are a normal and
inevitable part of what
happens in
relationships. In fact,
the cycle of harmony,
discord and desire for
reconnection pushes us
to grow -- especially if
we are prepared to see
it as a personal
challenge to change,
rather than an
expression of marital
breakdown.
How you choose to
respond to this natural
process will determine
the success or failure
of a long-term
commitment.
How
do you know when you
have done everything you
could have, and when it
is time to get out of a
relationship? When is
enough, enough?
Every partner must
decide for themselves
what they need to do to
maintain their own
integrity in a
relationship. And no
therapist can tell you
when it is time to
leave. (This, of course,
excludes when there is
physical or
psychological abuse.)
But, when things aren't
going well, we tend to
redouble our efforts
(often repeating the
same patterns), rather
than focusing on how to
make a dramatic shift in
the quality of what's
happening. We tend to
avoid looking at and
confronting the things
that we need to change
in ourselves.
Couples may contemplate
divorce when they feel
incapable of changing a
"hopeless" situation
i.e. incapable of
changing their
partners!! In fact, the
more they each focus on
developing personally,
the greater the
influence they will have
on their
partners'
self-development. And
that's how relationships
move forward.
David Schnarch, in his
book Passionate
Marriage, has a
chapter entitled:
"Nobody is Ready for
Marriage -- Marriage
Makes you Ready for
Marriage". The idea
in this chapter is that
marriage is a
"people-growing
machine", as Schnarch
puts it. When confronted
with the stark reality
that you are two
different people, you
can look at it as a gift
and a challenge to grow
personally, or you can
try to turn you partner
into a reflection of
yourself!
People jump into divorce
too quickly. They give
up hope that things can
be different. If the
values you that hold
dear are shared by your
partner, but you are
still in a rut , and
can't seem to get along
-- you are not speaking
or you are constantly
fighting -- it might not
mean that things have
come to an end.
Seek counselling to help
you clarify where you
are stuck in your
relationship. You may be
surprised to find that
there is nothing "wrong"
with you or your
partner, but that making
a shift in how you view
yourself
vis-à-vis your
partner can make a world
of difference.
If after serious
self-discovery,
self-confrontation and
perhaps professional
help with the right
therapist, you cannot
repair a relationship,
then you can begin to
contemplate how to move
on -- while creating an
amicable, respectful and
thoughtful parting of
the ways.
But remember, if you are
thinking of splitting,
the person that you have
become in your current
relationship is the
person that you will be
taking with you to the
next one.
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