Feature Articles from
Past Issues:
Realizing
Your Sexual
Potential
How
to Increase Your
Capacity for
Intimacy
Realizing
Your Sexual
Potential
When
we talk about having
"good sex", we are
usually referring to
being adequately aroused
or being able to reach
orgasm.
For many people, orgasm
is the goal -- the
measure of sexual
satisfaction and
fulfillment. But do
orgasms represent the
ultimate in human sexual
experience?
The modern world of
sexuality and Viagra
feeds the illusion that
reaching your sexual
potential has only to do
with making sure your
genitals function
properly. In the TV ads
for Viagra, we see men
jumping for joy in
ecstasy, having
undergone a seemingly
life-altering
experience.
But does an erection in
itself guarantee a depth
of connection to your
partner and to yourself?
Does it automatically
lead to sexual intimacy?
Certainly, desire out of
"horniness" - the
release of sexual
tension and energy - is
not the same as desire
for your partner, for
wanting to share
yourself intimately.
The focus on orgasm as
the height of the sexual
experience is
misleading. It is
possible to reach orgasm
with less than intense
physical stimulation.
You can also reach
orgasm without any
profound meaning or
emotional or spiritual
connection to your
partner.
Dr. David Schnarch, in
his book
The
Passionate
Marriage,
says that the most
important sexual organ
is our brain, and not
our genitals. WE tend to
agree with him. To reach
our sexual potential
means focusing on the
whole person, not just
our sexual organs. It
requires us to think
about other dimensions
of our sexual life that
include emotional
connection with our
partner, and exploring
our capacity for
eroticism and intimacy.
What
happens to you
emotionally when you are
in the middle of a
sexual act with your
partner? Do you feel
confident and alive, or
do you feel weak and
insecure? Can you tell
you partner openly and
freely what turns you
on? Can you tolerate
moments when the
connection between the
two of you is broken?
Can you learn, even if
it is painfully
uncomfortable, to hang
in and reconnect?
If you want to increase
your capacity for
intimacy, you can't give
in to your insecurities.
You need to go beyond
your comfort zone.
It is natural to have
sex, but intimacy is not
guaranteed in the sexual
act. The capacity for
intimacy is a potential
that can be realized
only through personal
growth and
development.
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information on
The
Couple Enrichment
Approach™.
How
to Increase Your
Capacity for
Intimacy
Even
if you feel your sexual
life is "good", or even
"great", can you imagine
yourself being more
intimate? Have you
allowed yourself to
fully explore your
sexual potential? You
might be in for a
pleasant surprise.
On the physical side,
think about enhancing
the level of stimulation
you are receiving and
experiencing. This
involves addressing
factors that may be
affecting your body's
physical ability to
respond, such as
medications, drugs and
alcohol.
On the psychological
side, take a look at
some of the personal
meanings you associate
with sex (e.g. emotions,
thoughts and feelings
about yourself, your
partner, your
relationship). If you
find yourself
preoccupied with
negative thoughts or
self-doubt, try
replacing these thoughts
with positive
ones.
Let's
focus on one aspect of
sexual potential -- the
depth of sexual intimacy
you feel with your
partner. Do you share
your deepest hopes and
fears, even if that
makes you feel
vulnerable and anxious?
Or, do you keep things
fairly superficial? Do
you withdraw when things
get personal? If this is
an area you find
challenging, try doing
some of the
following:
- Think
beyond orgasm as
being the ultimate
goal of sexual
satisfaction
- Talk
about things that you
personally might find
difficult to talk
about
- Have
sex with your eyes
wide open, or with
the lights on -- let
yourself be seen
during sex
- Try
doing something that
you normally wouldn't
do when you have sex
- something that
would be a stretch
for you - and talk
about what that felt
like afterwards
Going
beyond what you think
you can do may have some
surprising results. You
and your partner will
find you begin sharing
some more intimate
moments with each other
than you would have
previously allowed. Your
courage in revealing
more of yourself will
create possibilities for
change in both your
sexual and emotional
lives
together.
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