Feature Articles from
Past Issues:
Got
Issues? Have Problems?
Who's to
Blame?
Turning
Conflicts into
Opportunities for
Growth
Got
Issues? Have Problems?
Who's to
Blame?
Camille
and Jean have been
married for 5 years. In
the first few years of
their marriage, they
shared many close,
intimate experiences.
They felt bonded and
loved sharing life's
pleasures together --
long walks in the park,
stimulating
conversations
languishing over dinner,
lazy days snuggled in
bed together. But
lately, Jean has become
more withdrawn and less
emotionally available to
Camille. Camille doesn't
know what to do about
it. She feels that their
sex life has suffered
because Jean has been so
"distant" from her. She
doesn't want to keep
initiating their
lovemaking, since he
often shows no interest
in it. Feeling rejected,
she has found herself
withdrawing from him,
and blames Jean for what
is happening.
Many people who feel
"stuck" or dissatisfied
in a relationship either
directly or implicitly
point the finger at
their partner as
the reason they are not
getting along or have
reached an impasse.
Conflicts crystallise
around issues often
having to do with sex,
money, children and
in-laws. One partner may
tend to blame the other
for a lack of
communication, passion
or sexual intimacy.
Arguments erupt easily
about how money is being
spent, who puts the kids
to bed, who disciplines
them when they need it,
who wants or doesn't
want to visit the
in-laws.
Typically,
one or both partners
looks for someone to
blame when they can't
agree or are not willing
to discuss an issue.
Finding someone to blame
comes from a belief that
something has gone
"wrong". And it follows,
that if something is
wrong, there is a
"problem". Someone (most
often one's partner) is
at fault and that
person (the identified
problem) needs to be
"fixed", "needs to
change". It is easier to
pin the "blame" on a
partner when things
aren't going right. It's
less painful and
anxiety-producing to see
in another person what
we don't want to see in
ourselves.
Sometimes, rather than
blaming each other,
couples identify the
problem as a
"relationship
problem". The
relationship needs to be
fixed. But if they think
in terms of there being
a problem with the
relationship,
they put themselves
in a position of looking
for answers where they
cannot be found. In
fact, a relationship is
not an entity in itself.
It is simply a dynamic
process that happens
between two
individuals.
What would happen if we
went beyond our
conventional way of
thinking? What if we
began to think of
conflict as something
that happens
naturally in
relationships? Two
separate individuals --
each trying to express
what they are about --
are bound to come to
loggerheads from time to
time. Emotional and
communication gridlock
occurs when two people
are struggling to
connect, and have not
yet mastered how to hold
onto themselves, and how
to do so with integrity
and dignity.
If we try to focus on
our own personal
development and efforts
to change, rather than
focusing on the deficits
that we so clearly see
in our partners, we
would more easily
develop a capacity to
work through issues and
resolve "problems". Part
of this process would be
learning to accept where
one's partner is at, at
any given moment in
time, and within the
context of the issue
that is unfolding. The
other part would be to
accept ourselves while
taking a close look at
what we can do to
approach the issue
without reacting or
blaming.
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Click
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information on
The
Couple Enrichment
Approach™.
Turning
Conflicts Into
Opportunities for
Growth
When you get into a
heated argument with
your partner or you find
yourself heading into an
emotional crisis, is
your inclination to look
for an external
cause for how you are
feeling? Is the blame
often put on your
partner?
In the midst of a tense
issue, or deadlocked
situation, it takes
self-mastery to catch
yourself, and to ask:
"What's happening
with me?" "Am I
taking it personally
when he loses his cool?"
"Am I reacting because
she is not agreeing with
me?"
When
you begin to control
your own emotions, you
will find that you have
less need to control
your partner's. You will
be able to make
conscious, rational
decisions that are not
dependent on your
partner's reaction.
For example, can you let
go of your desire to
stick to your own mental
time clock when your
partner is late for an
engagement? Do you take
your frustration out on
your partner as you are
heading out the door?
Or, can you keep calm
for the moment and wait
for an appropriate time
to express how his or
her lateness makes you
feel?
Self-mastery
involves:
- confronting
yourself; taking a
hard look at your own
reactions rather than
focusing in what your
partner is doing or
not doing
- learning
how to calm yourself
down (Dr. David
Schnarch, in his book
The
Passionate
Marriage,
refers to this
process as
self-soothing.)
- expressing
yourself honestly;
paying attention to
how you express what
you say and do; (e.g.
Are you speaking or
acting from the
best part of
you?)
When
you focus on yourself,
instead of "working on
your relationship" or
trying to change your
partner, the dynamics
between you and your
partner change. You can
move forward from what
seems like a hopeless
impasse or an
unresolvable conflict,
creating potential
opportunities for
growth.
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