Feature Articles from
Past Issues:
Love
is More Than a
Feeling
How
to Practice the Art of
Loving
Love
is More Than a
Feeling
Many
people feel that love is
something that just
happens to them. They
can't really explain it
-- they just feel it.
Love is a powerful
emotion that, if they
are lucky, they
experience at first
blush. And when that
feeling dissipates or
dies - as it often does
over time -- they
convince themselves that
they are no longer in
love. They have fallen
"out of love".
But
is love just a feeling?
A pleasant sensation
that comes and goes? Is
love something we "fall
into" by matter of
chance or "fall out of"
when the going gets
rough?
Our
popular culture and mass
media perpetuate this
view. With the help of
TV sitcoms, Hollywood
movies and romance
novels, we've convinced
ourselves that love has
more to do with being
loved and with finding
the right person than
with knowing how to
love.
This
view of love feeds both
our passivity and our
fatalism. We believe
that love is outside of
our control. We adopt a
waiting attitude for
something to happen, for
that "light" to be
turned on, for the
sparks to
fly.
If
this is love, why is it
so fleeting? Why doesn't
it have staying power?
And how do we reconcile
the high divorce rate in
North America where
40-50% of marriages and
partnerships end in
separation and divorce?
(More surprisingly,
sixty per cent of second
marriages
fail!)
Let's
look at love from a
different perspective.
Think about love as
something that needs to
be learned, rather than
something that comes
"naturally". Erich Fromm
called it the art of
loving, in his book of
the same
name.
Love
is something you do - it
implies activeness. And
in that sense, it is a
verb. It's an art that
is mastered over the
course of a lifetime
through daily practice.
It doesn't just come
naturally as many would
have you believe, but on
the contrary, requires
knowledge, effort,
patience and
concentration.
What
you develop, in the
course of learning to
love, is an orientation
to life, an inner
attitude that says, "I
can create love through
my own abilities,
faculties and actions as
a loving
person."
When
you adopt this practice,
you make a shift inside
yourself. You begin to
look more closely at
your own personal
development. You become
aware of what you are
doing concretely to
become the kind of
loving person you want
to be. You notice that
you begin to have fewer
expectations and demands
of the outside world -
and particularly, of
your partner. You find
new and creative ways of
filling your own
needs.
As
you become more loving,
the world opens up to
you. You begin to see
yourself differently.
You gain great pleasure
in reaching out to
everyone with whom you
come in contact -- not
just your intimate
partner, but your
children, family,
friends and co-workers.
Love
takes courage and it
takes faith in yourself.
So go out there and give
it a try!
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How
to Practice the Art of
Loving
Many of us associate
loving with "giving". We
cook up beautiful meals
for our partners; we buy
romantic gifts; we go
out of our way to please
them. But, often, in the
process of giving, there
is an expectation of
"getting". This is
especially true in
emotionally committed
relationships.
"I'll
give you something if
you give me something
back in return…."
is the unstated
expectation behind many
interactions. For many
of us, giving is
conditional upon
receiving.
Some
of us seem to give more
willingly, but we often
feel that we do it at
the expense of our own
interests. We feel like
we are giving in,
sacrificing in order to
be giving.
So
how can we give
unconditionally without
giving up on
ourselves?
- Practice
giving without
expecting anything in
return. For example,
give your partner a
warm hug even though
you imagine that it
will not be
reciprocated in the
way that you'd like.
Do the same thing
again the next day
and the day after.
Forget about feeling
that he or she rarely
hugs you. This isn't
about tit for tat.
Let go of any
personal mantras such
as: "Why is it always
me who
initiates?"
- Now
ask yourself this
question: When you
reach out to embrace
your partner, does
the desire to move
towards him or her
come from your heart?
Or, do you find
yourself showing
affection
ritualistically,
mechanically, or out
of obligation?
- Get
in touch with the
part of you that
feels open and wants
to express love. Try
reaching out again.
Does your hug feel
different when you
offer it without
expectation?
Once
you can give without
expecting anything in
return, you will start
to feel differently. You
will realize that in the
act of giving you do
receive. You receive the
joy in feeling your own
aliveness. You receive
pleasure in knowing that
you have been active in
expressing yourself. And
when your partner shows
his or her appreciation
with a smile or a tear,
you will feel the
potency and the power of
love.
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